The best guarded secret

Interviewer: DALLAS, Estados Unidos, November 24, 2004

This Thursday November 25 marks the International Day Against Violence Against Women.

Regarding this issue, Taxi Heathrow Airport ALC spoke with Esly Regina Carvalho, Brazilian psychologist and psychotherapist, emotional health specialist who has worked in Brazil, Bolivia, Ecuador and the United State for more than 20 years and has written several books about her specialty. Currently she works with the ministry “Hope for the Heart” in the United States.

In 1998 Esly Regina Carvalho was the founder in 1998 of the Plaza de Encuentro Ministry and together with books, manuals and articles about emotional and community health, has written bible-dramas, psychodramas and works for group therapy. She studied at the University of Brasilia and speaks fluent Portuguese, Spanish and English.

Below her comments:

ALC - Do you believe that society is currently more conscious of the problem of violence against women?

ERC:   Perhaps it is now possible to speak more openly about the problem but in general it remains in the category of “well kept secrets.” The economic difficulties, the models incorporated within families, the shame and the fear, continue to maintain women as victims of domestic violence.

ALC- And in Churches?

ERC: In the Christian Church, the situation has not changed very much. I continue to talk about the issue in Latin America and in Hispanic media in the United States. I keep making my “coffee breaks” longer during those talks because that is when women come to talk in private. They ask for an appointment, they tell me about their situation, they ask for help, they break my heart. It has not changed much.

ALC – Why does violence against women continue?

ERC: There are several factors. One of the main ones is the model that is learned in the family. We all learn to be a family in the family we live in. If this family permits violence, then the model of “love” and love as a family includes violence. 

I remember a young woman who came to see me and told me that she was 24 years old before she discovered that all families didn’t hit each other. She thought that violence was a “normal” part of being a family. .

We should never underestimate the power of the known. It can be terrifying, but it is known. Even our sayings underscore this: better the devil you know, etc. It is important to understand that in order to improve we have to seek a healing of the heart.

Perhaps one of the biggest myths in society is that “we have to keep the family united.” So many women put up with everything to avoid divorce, in the name of “family unity.” What they forget is that they are perpetuating a model and teaching their children that it is okay to abuse women, that they are of such little value that you can do anything to them.

ALC – Where are the men on this issue?

ERC:  We live in a crisis of masculinity. Men have also received terrible models of how to be men. The machista model, constantly prove that one is a man, also harms them. They also have not had good models. Their fathers were also violent or absent.

Unresolved anger, the pain of not having a father who confirmed him as a man, the pain of not feeling loved by their father, all of this contributes so that men suffer, and take out their suffering in inappropriate ways.

I do not understand why the words “I love you” seem to be reserved for the death bed. I do not know how many people have confessed that their father (or mother) only said those words when they were about to die. Love does not harm. We are taught this by First Corinthians 13. Love is not being well taught in our families.

ALC –What can we do about this situation?

ERC: Break the silence. Seek help. If you are not ready to leave the situation of violence, do something so that one day it will stop.

Churches would win a great deal if they could talk openly about this issue from the pulpit. (However, we know that many pastors are also physical abusers and do not want to talk about their own situation).

Women need to know how to break models of co-dependency so that they can help form a new generation of children who learn to resolve conflicts without violence. They can form support and emotional growth groups, groups so that women can grow in their self-esteem and believe that they can get out.

Men need new model of being men. We all need to heal our hearts. Without healing ther is not sanctity.

ALC –What can you tell us about your writing activity

ERC:  My latest book "Saúde Emocional e Vida Cristã" was a finalist at the Asociación Brasileña de Editores Cristianos (ABEC) event in Río de Janeiro, in the “Christian Life” category. Three editions have been published n Portuguese. The Spanish versión is n the hands of  Casa Creación.

Also the book "Familia en Crisis" includes a chapter on domestic violence. "Alas de Sanidad" includes excercises to heal the heart.